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my life,
my family
one-liners from the
mouth of babes
"quotes" confucious my life,
my graphics
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Disclaimer: As I received most of these thru' continually recirculating email, I, unfortunately, do not know and have not confirmed their validity or if the person actual said what appears below. I apologize if I have offended anyone. These are in no particular order.
1 "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Sharon Stone
2 "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." - Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
3 "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" - Arnold Schwarzenegger
4 "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods
5 "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
6 "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
7 "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
8 "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." - Roseanne
9 "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." - Billy Crystal
10 "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
11 "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman
12 "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." - Rod Stewart
13 "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
14 "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," - Mariah Carey
15 "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," - Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign
16 "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," - Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
17 "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," - Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
18 "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees," - Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
19 "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," - A congressional candidate in Texas.
20 "Half this game is ninety percent mental." - Philadelphia Phillies Manager, Danny Ozark
21 "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - Al Gore, Vice President
22 "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." - Dan Quayle
23 "It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" - George Bush, US President
24 "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," - Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
25 "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," - Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
26 "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." - Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
27 "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Bill Clinton, President
28 "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - Al Gore, VP
29 "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." - Keppel Enderbery
30 "The loss of life will be irreplaceable." - Dan Quayle
31 "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." - Dan Quayle, VP
32 "It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!" - Dan Quayle, VP
33 "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." - Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
34 "We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr.Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce." - Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
35 "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
36 "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." - (Lykes Lines Shipping)
37 "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." - Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company
38 "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." - Advertising/Marketing manager,United Parcel Service
39 "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." - No source given
40 "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." - Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing / 3M Corp
41 "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." -CIO of Dell Computers
42 "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." - Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation
43 My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." - Shipping executive, Florists
44 "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." - Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division
45 We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." - Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division
46 One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" - New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards
47 "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." - Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.
48 "Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'" - Don Imus
49 "CBS News finally received anthrax in the mail. As usual, we're number three." - David Letterman
50 "The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry." - Jay Leno
51 "People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstand, Bye-bye-Talibanistan,Ass-Kickedistan." - Jay Leno
52 "People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If your first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time." - Jay Leno
53 "Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern." - David Letterman
54 "Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder." - Jay Leno
55 "More and more news coming out about this Osama bin Laden guy. He's 6'5" and has 42 children. Or, as the NBA calls him, a rookie." - Jay Leno
56 "The Mirror interviewed one of Osama bin Laden's sons and said bin Laden has 42 children. That's going to happen when you sleep in a different cave every night." - Jay Leno
57 "Eleven members of the Washington Redskins Monday were exposed to a mysterious white powder they had never seen before - the end zone."- Jay Leno
58 "Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID." - David Letterman
59 "President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again." - Jay Leno
60 "Clinton and Dole are joining forces to raise $100 million in scholarship money for the families of the victims. But you know who also deserves a pat on the back, Elizabeth Dole. Her husband is on Viagra and he's gone on the road with Bill Clinton - that is one trusting woman." - Jay Leno
61 "This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." -Jay Leno
62 "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
63 "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." - Mark Twain
64 "My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects." - Les Dawson
65 "By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. " - Socrates
66 "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. " - Groucho Marx
67 "I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. " - Zsa Zsa Gabor
68 "Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. " - Alex Levine
69 "Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. " - Spike Milligan
70 "What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. " - Henny Youngman
71 "Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. " - Herbert Henry Asquith
72 "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie - about your age. " - Lucille Ball
73 "It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. " - George Burns
74 "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. " - Woody Allen
75 "Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him " Be fruitful and multiply". But not in those words…" - Woody Allen
76 "If only God would give me some sign...a clear sign ! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. " - Selections from the Allen Notebooks, New Yorker
77 "Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. " - Woody Allen
78 "Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." - Richard Lewis
79 "My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada." - David Steinberg
80 "I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays." - Henny Youngman
81 "The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish." - Jules Farber
82 "Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyim even if you are Jewish." - Lenny Bruce
83 "God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?" - Shalom Aleichem
84 "The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." - Calvin Trillin
85 "Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!" - Golda Meir
86 "Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish mother." - Peter Malkin
87 "Humility is no substitute for a good personality." - Fran Lebowitz
88 "My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me." - Benjamin Disraeli
89 "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson
90 "Don't be humble; you are not that great." - Golda Meir
91 "I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks." - Joe E. Lewis
92 "Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors." - Sam Goldwyn
93 "A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." - Sam Goldwyn
94 "Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money." - Arthur Miller
95 "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something." - Jackie Mason
96 "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying." - Woody Allen
97 "Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?" - Groucho Marx
98 "Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy" - Groucho Marx
99 "A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it." - Oscar Levant
100 "Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair." - George Burns
101 "Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen." - Mort Sahl
102 "A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours." - Milton Berle
103 "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth ,even if it costs them their jobs." - Sam Goldwyn
104 "Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done." - Ernie Kovacs
105 "With the collapse of vaudeville, new talent has no place to stink." - George Burns
106 "When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault." - Henry Kissinger
107 "When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - David Bissonette
108 "After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together." - Sacha Guitry
109 "By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Hemant Joshi
110 "Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them." - Dumas
111 "The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?" - Dumas
112 "I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me." - Anonymous
113 "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Anonymous
114 "I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Henny Youngman
115 "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - Sam Kinison
116 "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." - James Holt McGavran
117 "Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming:
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up." - Patrick Murray
118 "The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once..." - Nash
119 "You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to." - Anonymous
120 "My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Henny Youngman
121 "A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Rodney Dangerfield
122 "Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy." - Milton Berle
123 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." - Anonymous
124 First Guy, (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy, "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - Anonymous
125 "By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere." - Billy Crystal
126 "Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'" - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
127 "I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'" - Eleanor Roosevelt
128 "Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement." - Mark Twain
129 "The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible." - George Burns
130 "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." - Victor Borge
131 "Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." - Mark Twain
132 "By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates
133 "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." - Groucho Marx
134 "My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." - Jimmy Durante
135 "I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
136 "Only Irish Coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat." - Alex Levine
137 "My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." - Rodney Dangerfield
138 "Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." - Spike Milligan
139 "Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP." - Joe Namath
140 "I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.Then it's time for my nap." - Bob Hope
141 "I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it." - W. C. Fields
142 "We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress." - Will Rogers
143 "Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you." - Winston Churchill
144 "Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller

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