one-liners
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one liners
Disclaimer: As I received most of these thru' continually recirculating email, I, unfortunately, do not have any authors. I would love to give credit where it is due. I do know that many of these come from great stand-up comics like Steven Wright and George Carlin. Thanks to them, their amazing work and all the others that have contributed and added smiles to our world. These are in no particular order.
   
1 Banning the bra was a big flop.
2 Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
3 Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
4 When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?
5 Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
6 Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
7 Alarms: What an octopus is.
8 I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
9 Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
10 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
11 Half the people you know are below average.
12 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
13 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
14 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
15 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
16 If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
17 All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
18 The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19 I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
20 OK, so what's the speed of dark?
21 How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
22 When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
23 Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
24 I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
25 If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
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26 Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
27 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
28 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
29 The best way to do housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
30 If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
31 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
32 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
33 Definition of a will? - a dead giveaway
34 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
35 A backwards poet writes inverse.
36 In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
37 She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
38 A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
39 If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
40 With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
41 Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
42 When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
43 The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
44 A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
45 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
46 Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
47 He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
48 Every calendar's days are numbered.
49 A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
50 He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
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51 A plateau is a high form of flattery.
52 The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
53 Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
54 Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
55 Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
56 When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
57 Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
58 Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
59 Acupuncture is a jab well done.
60 Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
61 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
62 One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
63 Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
64 If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
65 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
66 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
67 What if there were no hypothetical questions?
68 If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
69 If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
70 If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
71 Is there another word for synonym?
72 Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
73 Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
74 What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
75 If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
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76 Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
77 Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
78 If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
79 Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
80 Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
81 If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
82 Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
83 How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
84 Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny.
85 What was the best thing before sliced bread?
86 One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
87 Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
88 Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
89 How is it possible to have a civil war?
90 If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
91 Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
92 Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
93 A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
94 If electricity comes from electrons - does that mean that morality comes from morons?
95 I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
96 Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
97 A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
98 A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
99 Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
100 If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
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101 If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
102 Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
103 Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
104 Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
105 Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
106 Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
107 Why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff the black box is made from?
108 Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
109 Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
110 Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
111 Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
112 Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
113 Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
114 Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
115 Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
116 Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
117 Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
118 Why can't women put mascara on with their mouth closed?
119 Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
120 Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
121 Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
122 Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
123 Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
124 Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
125 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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126 Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
127 When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
128 Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
129 Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
130 Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
131 If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
132 If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
133 Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
134 Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?'
135 If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bulls**t?
136 Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
137 How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't see them when you're in space?
138 Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
139 If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?
140 Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
141 Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
142 What do people in China call their good plates?
143 Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
144 Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
145 I got a sweater for Christmas...I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
146 I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
147 I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
148 Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
149 Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.
150 If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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151 Welcome To S**t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
152 Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
153 Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
154 Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
155 A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
156 A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
157 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
158 A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
159 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.
160 An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
161 Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
162 Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls**t before.
163 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
164 I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.
165 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A "fsh".
166 Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
167 A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.
168 Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
169 If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
170 Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
171 Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
172 Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
173 Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
174 Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
175 Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
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176 Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
177 Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
178 Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
179 Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
180 Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
181 If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
182 If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
183 Why is bra singular and panties plural?
184 Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
185 Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
186 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
187 Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
188 Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
189 Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
190 How do angels get their gowns on over those wings?
191 If nothing sticks to teflon, how does it stick to the pan
192 Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
193 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some have just run out of film.
194 Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
195 Wear Short Sleeves: Support your right to bare arms...
196 For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
197 Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
198 I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
199 I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
200 Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
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201 Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
202 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
203 I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
204 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
205 Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
206 I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
207 Quoting one is plagiarism; quoting many is research.
208 Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
209 You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
210 Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
211 I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
212 Should a Mohel resign if he can't cut it anymore?
213 Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
214 It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
215 Do Elephants drink to just forget?
216 ADULT - A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
217 BEAUTY PARLOR - A place where women curl up and dye.
218 CANNIBAL - Someone who is fed up with people.
219 COMMITTEE - A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
220 EGOTIST - Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
221 HANDKERCHIEF - Cold Storage.
222 INFLATION - Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
223 TOOTHACHE - The pain that drives you to extraction.
224 Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
225 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
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226 THE QUICK AND THE DEAD - Two kinds of pedestrians
227 Life is sexually transmitted
228 If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead?"
229 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
230 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
231 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?
232 One of life's mysteries - how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
233 I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
234 Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
235 Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
236 Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
237 If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
238 Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
239 The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
240 FREEDOM OF THE PRESS - wrinkle-free clothes.
241 Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
242 Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
243 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
244 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
245 There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
246 Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
247 Sign over a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit, please back in."
248 Sign on a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
249 Sign on a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
250 Sign at a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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251 Sign on an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
252 Sign in a Nonsmoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
253 Sign on a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
254 Sign at an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
255 Sign in a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
256 Sign on a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
257 Sign in a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
258 Sign at the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
259 Sign in a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
260 Sign in the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
261 Sign at a Propane Filling Station: "Tank heaven for little grills."
262 Sign over a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
263 WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
264 Impotence - Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
265 A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
266 A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
267 Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
268 The same mustard as before - Dijon vu.
269 When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
270 Without geometry, is there any point?
271 A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
272 A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
273 The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
274 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
275 I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
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276 A good friend will come and bail you out of jail ... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!"
277 Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
278 My wife said I never listen to her (at least I think that's what she said).
279 Just remember ... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
280 If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
281 Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
282 Do you get holy water by boiling the hell out of it?
283 Are what Eskimos get from sitting on ice called Polaroids?
284 Is a boomerang that doesn't work called... a stick?
285 Cheese that is not yours - Nacho Cheese!
286 What you get from a pampered cow - Spoiled Cheese!
287 What you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire - Frostbite!
288 What sits at the bottom of the ocean and shivers - A Nervous Wreck!
289 Where you find a dog with no legs - Right where you left him!
290 The difference between roast beef and pea soup - Anyone can roast beef!
291 The type of coffee served on the Titanic - Sanka!
292 The difference between a Harley and a Hoover - the location of the dirt bag!
293 People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
294 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
295 Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
296 Rehab is for quitters!
297 The proctologist called...they found your head
298 Everyone has a photographic memory... some just don't have any film.
299 Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
300 I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
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301 WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
302 Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
303 Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
304 We put the "k" in "kwality."
305 If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.
306 Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
307 Constipated people don't give a crap.
308 Illiterate? Write for help.
309 I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
310 Guys: No Shirt, No Service. Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
311 Ax me about Ebonics.
312 Grow your own dope - plant a man!
313 Politicians and diapers both need to be changed... and for the same reason!
314 Elephant Circumcisor Wanted: Pay is not great but tips are huge!
315 Egotist: someone who has taken too much Vitamin I...
316 Accountants keep us in check!
317 He was so lactose intolerant that, when having his picture taken, he could not say "Cheese"!
318 Can we cry underwater?
319 How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?
320 Why do you have to "put your two cents in..." but it's only a "penny for your thoughts...". Where's that extra penny going?
321 Once you are in heaven, do you get stuck wearing those clothes your were buried in for eternity?
322 What disease did cured ham actually have?
323 Why is it that people say "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
324 Why is one "IN" a movie but "ON" TV?
325 Why do people pay to go up to the top of really tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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326 WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
327 Why is "bra" singular while "panties" are plural?
328 If the professor on Gilligan's Island could make a radio out of a coconut, why couldn't he fix the hole in the boat?
329 How come when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him in your car, he stick's his head out the window.
330 Smile! It will improve your face value!
331 Sign over a gynecologist's office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
332 Sign in a podiatrist's office: Time wounds all heels.
333 Sign on a septic tank truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
334 Sign on a plumber's truck: We're #1 in the #2 business.
335 Sign at a proctologist's office: To expedite your visit, please back in.
336 Sign on a plumber's truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
337 Sign on a plumber's truck: Don't sleep with a drip, call me.
338 Sign on a church's billboard: 7 days without God makes one weak.
339 Sign on a plastic surgeon's door: Hello, can we pick your nose?
340 Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.
341 Sign on a maternity room door: Push, Push, Push.
342 Sign on a taxidermist's door: We really know our stuff.
343 Sign on a fence: Salesmen and hawkers welcome. Dog food is expensive.
344 Sign at a muffler repair shop: No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.
345 Sign in a vet's waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
346 Sign in a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed up!
347 Sign outside a funeral home: Drive carefully. We'll wait.
348 Sign at a natural gas filling station: Tank heaven for little grills.
349 Sign at a radiator repair show: Best place in town to take a leak!
350 I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
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351 Protons have mass? I did not even know they were Catholic!
352 All I ask is for a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
353 The told me I was gullible. I believed them.
354 Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
355 My weight is perfect for my height... which varies.
356 I used to be indecisive but now... I'm not sure.
357 The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
358 How can there be self-help groups?
359 if swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
360 Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who cannot get his pants off.
361 Is it me or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
362 I always wanted to be a procrastinator but never got around to it.
363 She has kleptomania. When it gets bad, she takes something for it.
364 Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel and Fabio had? They are no longer on a first name basis.
365 How can a cemetry raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
366 Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
367 What's brown and sits on stool? Beethoven's last movement.
368 My family is soo stupid - during the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west.
369 To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
370 It is better to have loved a short man that never to have loved a tall.
371 When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
372 After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water.
373 Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
374 People who discriminate based upon race are racists. People who discriminate based upon sex are sexists. Are people who discriminate against other who speak a foreign language called linguists?
375 If the afternoon dies, do we spend the rest of the day in mourning?
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376 I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
377 Police were called to a daycare where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
378 Did you hear about the guy who's left side was cut off? He's all right now.
379 The roundes knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
380 To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
381 When fish are in school, do they take debate?
382 The thief who stole a calendar... got 12 months.
383 The thief who fell and broke his leg in wet cement is now a hardened criminal.
384 The thief who stole corn will be charged for stalking.
385 We'll never run out of math teachers as they always multiply.
386 When the smog lifts in L.A., UCLA.
387 The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
388 The professor discovered that her theory on earthquakes was on shaky ground.
389 The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
380 If you take a laptop computer for a run, could you jog its memory?
381 The dentist and manicurist fought tooth and nail.
382 A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint your and 'taint mine.
383 Is making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a pool?
384 if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does one enjoy it?
385 Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
386 if a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
387 Why is the number 11 not called onety-one?
388 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, are electricians delighted? Are musicians denoted? Are cowboys deranged? Are models deposed? Are dry cleaners depressed?
389 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would it be called Fed Up?
390 Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
391 What hair color do they put on driver's licenses of bald men?
392 When I was a really small, my mother used little forks and spoons. Do Chinese mother's use toothpicks?
393 Why do they put photos of criminals up in the post office? Are we supposed to write to them?
394 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
395 What would the speed of lightning be if it didn't zig-zag?
396 Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
397 Did you ever notice that if you put "The" and "IRS" together, it spells "Theirs"?
398 The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
399 If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
400 A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
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401 Why is that at class reunions, you feel younger than everyone else looks?
402 No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
403 How come no one ever says "it's only a game" when they are winning?
404 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
405 Money can't buy happiness but I'd rather cry in a Rolls Royce than a Hyundai.
406 My ex-wife and I got divorced for religious reasons - she thought she was god and I didn't
407 Being "over the hill" is way better than being under it.
408 Procratinate Now!
409 Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere.
410 The call is PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
411 He who dies with the most toys,... is nonetheless dead.
412 A picture is worth a thousand words... but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
413 Ham and Eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.
414 The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
415 If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
416 The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the inability to reach it.
417 How do you get off a non-stop flight?
418 If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
419 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
420 A fool and his money are soon partying.
421 Drugs may lead to nowhere but at least it's the scenic route.
422 It is said that if you lined up all the cars in the world, end to end, someone will be stupid enough to try and pass them.
423 If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are girl scout cookies made of?
424 It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
425 Experience is something you don't get until after you need it.
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426 For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
427 No one is listening until you make a mistake.
428 If you jog backwards, do you gain weight?
429 If you take a Chinese man and spin him around and around, does he get disoriented?
430 Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
431 Why do they call it chili if it is hot?
432 Have you ever seen a toad sitting on a toadstool?
433 Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
434 Support bacteria - they are the only culture some people have.
435 Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
436 How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
437 How many weeks are there in a light year?
438 If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
439 If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
440 If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
441 Skinheads have more hair than brains.
442 Vampires are a pain in the neck.
443 Nutrition makes me sick.
444 Nuclear waste fades your genes.
445 If you nose runs and your feet smell, you must be upside-down.
446 Early birds get worms.
447 Nothing succeeds like a parrot.
448 Teachers do it with class.
449 Divers do it down under.
450 When I was born, I was given a choice: large penis or good memory. I don't remember which I chose!
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451 Birth certificate: apology letter from the condom factory
452 My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects
453 Impotence: nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings"!!
454 Virginity can be cured!
455 Sex is like bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
456 I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were just too small!
457 Marriage: the only way you get to sleep with the enemy
458 Australian kiss: same as a French kiss but just down under
459 Do Ministers do more than lay people?
460 Transvestite: A guy who like to eat, drink and be Mary
461 My mother's idea of a Super Bowl: a toilet that cleans itself
462 If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull over to the side of the road
463 The blonde was worried the mechanic would rip her off but was relieved to hear her car only needed turn signal fluid!
464 Intense: where campers sleep
465 Kinship: your brother's boat
466 Jury: twelve people who determine which client has the best lawyer
467 Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
468 Minimum: a very small mother
469 Misty: how golfers create divots
470 Nitrate: cheapest price for calling long distance
471 Praise: letting off esteem
472 Relief: what trees do in the spring
473 Skier: a person who jumps to contusions
474 Sudafed: litigation brought against a government official
475 Unabated: a fish hook without the worm
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476 Iraq, you break
477 Beards: they grow on you
478 Missouri loves company
479 Camping is in tents
480 Your retarded
481 Sex - do it for the kids
482 Prague - Czech it out
483 South Korea's got Seoul
484 Irish I were drunk
485 Denmark's the spot
486 Without me, it's just aweso
487 Earthquakes - not my fault
488 Epilepsy - seize the day
489 Laundromat sign: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
490 London Department Store sign: Bargain Basement Upstairs
491 Hardware store sign: Will the person who took the step ladder please return it or further steps will be taken
492 Farm sign: farmer allows people to cross the field for free but the bull charges
493 Office bathroom door sign: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
494 I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
495 I had amnesia once... or twice...
496 Two can live as cheaply as one, just for half as long
497 Flashlight: a case for holding dead batteries
498 The speed of time is one-second per second
499 Is it possible to be totally partial
500 What happens if you are scared half to death, twice?
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501 If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
502 If bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?
503 If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?
504 How come we choose from 2 people for President but 50 for Miss America?
505 If a 911 operator has a heart attack, who do they call?
506 Do illiterate people fully appreciate alphabet soup?
507 Who was the first person who looked at a cow and said "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out!"
508 Who was the first person who watched something come out of a chicken's rear and thought "let's try earing that!"
509 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
510 Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
511 Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
512 The best thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow
513 A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water
514 The trouble with bucket seats is that not everyone has the same size bucket
515 Don't change horses.... until they stop running...
516 Strike while the.... bug is close...
517 Don't bite the hand that.... looks dirty...
518 A miss is as good as a.... Mr...
519 You can't teach an old dog new... math...
520 If you lie down with dogs, ... you will stink in the morning...
521 The pen is mightier than the... pen...
522 Where there's smoke, there's... pollution...
523 A penny saved is... not much...
524 Don't put off till tomorrow what... you can wear to bed...
525 There are none so blind as.... Stevie Wonder...
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526 Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose...
527 Better late than... pregnant...
528 Why do we press harder on a remote control when the batteries are dying?
529 Why do banks charge a fee for "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?
530 Why do people believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
531 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
532 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
533 Why do Kamakaze pilots wear helmets?
534 I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
535 Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
536 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
537 Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
538 There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
539 Life is sexually transmitted.
540 The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
541 Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
542 Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
543 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
544 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
545 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
546 Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, And drink whatever comes out?"
547 Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
548 If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
549 If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
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550 Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
551 If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
552 Can you cry under water?
553 The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
554 I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
555 She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
556 A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
557 No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
558 A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
559 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
560 A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
561 Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
562 I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
563 A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center: 'Keep off the Grass.'
564 The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
565 When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
566 An oral agreement is not worth the paper it's written on!
567 A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
568 Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.
569 The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
570 Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
571 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So, I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
572 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
573 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
574 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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575 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
576 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
577 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
578 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is called a work station.
579 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
580 Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
581 I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
582 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
583 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
584 I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
585 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
586 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
587 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
588 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
589 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
590 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
591 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
592 Avoid alliteration. Always.
593 Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
594 Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
595 Employ the vernacular.
596 Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
597 Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
598 It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
599 Contractions aren't necessary.
600
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
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601 One should never generalize.
602 Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
603 Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
604 Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
605 Profanity sucks.
606 Be more or less specific.
607 Understatement is always best.
608 Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
609 One-word sentences? Eliminate.
610 Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
611 The passive voice is to be avoided.
612 Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
613 Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
614 Who needs rhetorical questions?
615 How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
616 Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
617 A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
618 I used to be a banker, but then... I lost interest.
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